The size and shape of a spaghetti squash,
the color of a marigold,
the firmness of a not-quite-ripe eggplant,
the scent of a cucumber, and a cucumber-esque flavor, except drier and with a slightly bitter aftertaste?
Don't worry, we have no idea what it is either. But tonight we cooked it up with some bulgar and beet greens, and it was all right! Kind of slimy, the way you'd expect cooked cucumber to be. We decided to name it faux-cumber.